Sirius Black this is definetly not serious
by Max6
Summary: Reall funny parts of stories about Sirius (if you love him you will love it and if you dont love Sirius you´ll start lovin´him)
1. Do you exist?

A/N: This aren`t mine it`s just some funny stuff about Sirius that I have found  
  
on several stories.  
  
In the Gryffindor Common room, the Marauders, Evelyn, and Bella were lounging  
  
around waiting for their two friends, James and Lily.  
  
The subject of their conversation was quite interesting, though several first years  
  
stared at them strangely.  
  
"Remmy, old pal, do you exist?" Sirius asked, lying on his back on the carpet in  
  
front of the fire.  
  
"Of course I do," Remus frowned.  
  
"Are you sure about that? Are you sure you're not just a mere figment of my  
  
imagination?" Sirius asked, playing with his wand.  
  
"I'm sure," Remus answered unsurely.  
  
"Of course he exists," Evelyn rolled her eyes. "We see him, don't we?"  
  
"How do I know you're not all a figment of my imagination?"  
  
"Because. well, you'd be crazy and delusional if we were just a figment of your  
  
imagination," Bella said, looking up from her magazine.  
  
"Oh, but I could be, couldn't I? So that must mean you all don't exist!" Sirius flicked  
  
at the top of his wand, as sparks shot off.  
  
"Sirius!" Evelyn walked over and hit him on the head with Bella's magazine. "Did that  
  
hurt?"  
  
"Not really. yes. I think you gave me a paper cut."  
  
"Then we're real," Evelyn said decidedly, walking back to the couch.  
  
"Not necessarily," Sirius said slowly. "What if I imagined that?"  
  
Just then, James walked in, looking extremely relieved to find his friends.  
  
"Is she here?" he asked.  
  
"Who?" Bella frowned.  
  
"Evans. She's out for my blood, I tell you," James ran his fingers through his messy  
  
hair. "I stepped on her toes about four times on purpose, and now she's hunting me  
  
down."  
  
"Lily wouldn't do that," Evelyn said.  
  
"Okay, okay, I put a ten-pound charm on each foot so that it'd get her mad, but-"  
  
"James, do you exist?" Sirius interrupted.  
  
The others sighed in exasperation.  
  
"Of course I exist," James frowned. "Have you lost it?"  
  
"How can you be sure you exist?" Sirius asked, rolling onto his side and getting up.  
  
"Well," James said thoughtfully, "If there's any chance that I don't exist, then, in all  
  
likelihood, there's a chance that you don't exist either."  
  
"Hmm," Sirius said thoughtfully. "I hadn't thought of that. Thanks, Jamie!"  
  
"Don't call me that," James said, and disappeared into the Boys' Dormitories.  
  
Soon afterwards, Lily stormed in. "Where is Potter? I know he's in here."  
  
"Um, he was just in here," Evelyn twisted her head in the direction of where he had  
  
left.  
  
"Little twit, Madame Pomfrey had to-"  
  
"Lily, do you exist?"  
  
Lily gave Sirius a strange look. "Of course I do."  
  
"Well, how can I be sure of that? How do I know you aren't a mere figment of my  
  
imagination?"  
  
"Well, I must exist," Lily said. "Let's be realistic, here. I am conscious of my own  
  
identity. I was born, and I will die. I occupy a particular point in space, don't I? No  
  
other solid object can occupy the same point simultaneously. So, yes, I exist."  
  
Finishing this statement, she stalked back to the Girls' Dormitories, muttering  
  
something like "finally gone to the loony bin, he has."  
  
"Too smart for me," Sirius shook his head.  
  
Professor McGonagall walked in, looking thoroughly disappointed at seeing Sirius  
  
there.  
  
"Black, where's Potter and Evans?"  
  
"They're in their dorms, Professor," Bella supplied helpfully.  
  
"Very well. Tell them there's another practice tomorrow," she sighed. "And ask Miss  
  
Evans if the swelling of her toes has gone down-"  
  
"Professor McGonagall, do you exist?" Sirius asked.  
  
**************************************************************************** *********************  
  
About an hour later (when the cookies and their crumbs were devoured), the  
  
snowstorm qualified as a blizzard. And the conversation wasn't much.  
  
"I wonder if fish have ears."  
  
"Sirius!" Evelyn rolled her eyes. "Please shut up!"  
  
Sirius ignored her as he popped a cookie crumb from his cookie crumb stash in his  
  
mouth (he had decided reducing the cookies to crumbs would make them last  
  
longer), and continued. "I mean, can you hear under water? And even if you could, I  
  
mean, for a little bitty fish, would it matter? They can't talk or anything. Or can they?"  
  
Lily groaned.  
  
For the past hour, they had endured these mindless, pointless, questions, such as,  
  
"If an eraser could speak, what do you think it'd say?" or "Hey. can germs and  
  
parasites think?" which led to, "If a parasite can think, would the host think the same  
  
thing? Or would the parasite think the same thing as the host? Or can they both  
  
think separate thoughts?" which soon was dropped and changed to, "How do we  
  
think if we're composed of so many individual cells? Do the cells make up thoughts?  
  
Or do thoughts just come from our brain. which is made up of cells. huh?" which  
  
became "What's the difference between your brain and your mind? Is your mind  
  
something in your subconscious?" which became "Where is your subconscious?"  
  
Goodness, the boy asked too many questions. Everyone shuddered to think what  
  
he'd been like at that five-year-old stage of constant questioning.  
  
"Sirius. on behalf of everyone in the room. shut up," James said as he hit his head  
  
on the chessboard. (He had been playing himself and had been losing terribly on  
  
both sides)  
  
"Maybe only fellow fish can hear them," Sirius wondered aloud. "Or maybe they're  
  
like merpeople, and they-"  
  
"Sirius, shut up!"  
  
Sirius glared at Leslie moodily as he stuffed some cookie crumbs into his mouth. He  
  
opened his mouth again to speak, starting with an, "I wonder if-"  
  
"Shut up, Sirius," the entire group yelled, giving second years a display of seventh  
  
year behavior patterns.  
  
The exhibit left many second years scarred with the thought of what would become of  
  
them in five years.  
  
**************************************************************************** *********************  
  
"We officially can't take you anywhere." Remus decided as Sirius sauntered up to  
  
the table, looking a little too proud of himself as he brushed snow off the sleeves of  
  
his robes.  
  
"We send you for drinks and you get into a fight with a snowman." Arabella smirked  
  
most amused. "Please enlighten us as to how this came about."  
  
"I asked him if he had any ice and that led into a whole other thing." Sirius reported  
  
with a snort.  
  
"He certainly didn't need to bring my mother into it. It's alright, I got one of the frosty  
  
bastard's eyes."  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Sirius had volunteered to do so because Peter Pettigrew, who they all hated with a  
  
fierce passion, was in Azkaban, and Sirius spent the entire time not protecting the  
  
Minister of Magic,but annoying Pettigrew by singing songs such as, "My name is  
  
Ricardo, I am a retardo, I live on the 99th floor. I sit on the steeple and spit on the  
  
people and they ask me what is my name. My name is Ricardo I am a retardo."  
  
and so on and so forth. It had driven old Wormtail ridiculously insane, though he  
  
already was quite mad to begin with.  
  
**************************************************************************** *********************  
  
All of them were sitting at the breakfast table in various states of disarray. Sirius was  
  
wearing pajama bottoms and an old Partridge Family t-shirt with inked on hearts  
  
around David Cassidy.  
  
Remus was wearing wrinkled jeans and a severely wrinkled and faded hippie tie-dye  
  
shirt. Lily had on James' long pajama shirt and James had on the bottoms. Each of  
  
them had their own afro from the night before, Lily's already made a first year cry so  
  
she pulled it into very stiff pig tails.  
  
"Do you wish to tell us why Miss Evans is wearing your shirt. AND ONLY YOUR  
  
SHIRT, at the hall table?", Dumbledore twinkled his eyes as Lily drained of all color  
  
as did James.  
  
"Oh, let me say! Pleassssee!", Sirius jumped up giddily.  
  
Dumbledore sighed to himself and kept walking up to his table shaking his head.  
  
One of the things students caught in his whispers was "..Ritalin.get that boy on  
  
Ritalin.".  
  
**************************************************************************** *********************  
  
"I KNEW IT!!!", Sirius pranced upstairs hugging his David Cassidy shirt happily.  
  
"Ritalin..", Remus mused to himself.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********************  
  
"Something about animal sacrifices in Care of Magical Creatures. And then there  
  
was the whole blowing up Professor Dumbledore's beard thing. Let's just say he's not  
  
a good little boy..." said Sirius. Mrs. Potter gasped.  
  
"Animal sacrifices? Albus' beard?? Well, I need to march right down there and give  
  
that boy a piece of my mind." screamed Mrs. Potter. "Good bye Sirius dear."  
  
Sirius grinned devilishly as Mrs. Potter disappeared. Only one more call to make...  
  
**  
  
"Lily, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?" asked James.  
  
"Not today," said Lily sweetly. James smiled.  
  
"You're beautiful," he said. Lily smiled.  
  
"Hey James, do you think that Lauren and Sirius will ever hook up?"  
  
questioned Lily.  
  
"Yeah, maybe. They're cute together," said James, smiling and pulling Lily in closer  
  
to him.  
  
"Yeah, but they're constantly in that whole love-hate, denying that they like each  
  
other mode,"  
  
muttered Lily sadly.  
  
"I'm just glad that I don't have to go through that with you," James told her.  
  
"You never know mister. There is still Nancy to put up with..." started Lily.  
  
"Well who cares about her? I don't." James exclaimed.  
  
"Good, I used to be such good friends with her, I don't know what happened."  
  
"I happened."  
  
"It's not your fault. She's evil, that's all."  
  
"I feel responsible. I'm so sorry too. It's all my fault."  
  
"No it's not. Let's go on to a less depressing subject. Why don't you tell me how  
  
beautiful I am."  
  
"You're beautiful."  
  
***  
  
"Hey Jamie, I have to talk to you!" said Sirius, yelling into the fire. Jamie's head  
  
suddenly appeared.  
  
"What do you want now?" she asked.  
  
"Sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but guess what is happening." said  
  
Sirius.  
  
"What's going on and why do you look so happy about it?" Jamie questioned Sirius  
  
suspiciously.  
  
"Well, you see, Lauren is over at James' house." started Sirius.  
  
"Yeah, so?" asked Jamie, who seemed really annoyed.  
  
"Well, guess who she is making out with," Sirius continued.  
  
"Obviously not you!" exclaimed Jamie.  
  
"Alas, no," said Sirius in a dejected tone of voice.  
  
"Well, who is it then?" asked Lauren.  
  
"Your boyfriend!" explained Sirius happily. Jamie's smiled instantly went away.  
  
"WHAT???? Why are you happy about this?" yelled Jamie harshly.  
  
"Well, since this happened you're probably available again." Sirius said, making loud  
  
kissy noises.  
  
"You're disgusting!" yelled Jamie, trying to hit Sirius and then remembering that he  
  
was still at Lily's house. "I am so mad at Remus. I want to go over to James' house  
  
right now and give him a piece of my mind!"  
  
"Well, you can. I bet you have some floo powder." said Sirius.  
  
"When I get done with him, he will be so sorry he did this. I'm going to beat him up!"  
  
yelled Jamie.  
  
"You go girl!" exclaimed Sirius.  
  
***  
  
At James' house, several things happened at once. James kissed Lily. Jamie ran out  
  
of a fire place and slapped Remus and Lauren across their faces. Mrs. Potter hit  
  
James over the head with a frying pan, and Gilderoy ran out of the waterfall, chased  
  
by what he called a 'demon mermaid.' James didn't know what he had done wrong,  
  
Lauren and Remus definitely didn't know what they had done wrong, Lily was quite  
  
confused and Gilderoy had two black eyes from the mermaid. It was about that point  
  
when Sirius burst through the door.  
  
"Oh now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, cause you're not welcome  
  
anymore!  
  
Weren't you the one that tried to hurt me with good-bye, you think I'd crumble, you  
  
think I'd lay down and die, oh no not I, I will survive, oh as long as I know how to love I  
  
know I'll stay alive, I've got all my life to live, I've got all my love to give, I'll survive, I  
  
will survive, hey hey!!" he sang loudly. No one seemed to notice him, which made  
  
him a little angry.  
  
"I can't believe you didn't tell me that you failed the fifth year!"  
  
"You FAILED???"  
  
"How could you cheat on me? And with her? I can't believe this, I thought you loved  
  
me!"  
  
"Nice mermaid, nice mermaid..."  
  
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without you by my  
  
side..."  
  
"What do you mean failed? I never failed."  
  
"I didn't cheat on you, I swear!"  
  
"Remus, why didn't you tell me that you had something going on with me?"  
  
"Um, I'm pretty sure that James didn't fail."  
  
"NICE MERMAID!"  
  
"But then I spent so many nights, just thinkin how you did me wrong, and I grew  
  
strong, and I learned how to get along..."  
  
"SIRIUS BLACK!" yelled Mrs. Potter and Lily at the same time.  
  
"That's my name, don't wear it out!" said Sirius.  
  
"What did you do this time?" interrogated Mrs. Potter. "It better not have anything to  
  
do with exploding pizza this time, that took quite awhile to clean up..."  
  
"Um, no. It's all based on my powers to get people to believe what you want them to  
  
believe."  
  
explained Sirius.  
  
"You mean it was all a lie?" asked Jamie.  
  
"Well, I wouldn't consider it a lie per-se. How about, um, creative mischief?" said  
  
Sirius, obviously hoping to get away with it.  
  
"Oh Sirius, I am going to kill you!" screamed Mrs. Potter.  
  
"Oh no. Come on people, let's sing!" exclaimed Sirius. "Oh now go, walk out the  
  
door, just turn around now, cause you're not welcome anymore-" started Sirius, but  
  
everyone in the house was  
  
chasing him around, trying to hurt him.  
  
**************************************************************************** ********************  
  
It became apparent immediatly why Sirius had worn the hat and sunglasses: Lily  
  
would not have let him out of the house if he hadn't. Instead of his usual, perfectly  
  
done black hair, there was a large, green afro on the top of his head. And instead of  
  
his deep, brown eyes, he had bright purple eyes that seemed to glow. In his picture,  
  
he made a peace sign and then, when his picture was handed to him he got a huge  
  
smile on his face.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********************  
  
Lily sighed. "For the last time, Melody, you've stayed here long enough, and---Sirius  
  
Padfoot Black!" Sirius, who had been stealing a cookie from Lily's secret stash,  
  
looked up and smiled, trying to appear innocent, but the chocolate chips in his teeth  
  
gave him away.  
  
**************************************************************************** **********************  
  
PLEASE REVIEW AND IF YOU HAVE SOME OTHER FUNNY STUFF MAIL THEM TO ME!! 


	2. And here´s more

"Now I do believe that you three can handle the full moon until we figure this out?  
  
Luckily we had ours last night so hopefully we shouldn't worry; now we just need  
  
names. James, you will be James Porter. Lily will be Lily Esposito. Remus will be  
  
Rick Leraly. Sirius, this will be a hard one. Hmmmm.. what shall we call you?"  
  
"Can I be Saul Branch? I've always liked that name."  
  
***********************************************  
  
Sirius, who had been planning a prank with Fred and George, jumped up at the  
  
mention of food.  
  
"FUDGE? DOES SOMEONE HAVE FUDGE? I WANT SOME! GIMME  
  
GIMME GIMME!"  
  
He started prancing around like a five-year-old, doing cartwheels all over the  
  
place, while everyone else had fallen out of their seats, they were laughing so  
  
hard.  
  
"What's so funny? And where's my fudge?"  
  
"You are, you moron! There is no fudge, Harry was just saying what he thought  
  
he was gonna get for Christmas tomorrow!"  
  
"Oh, well in that case, I'm going to bed. Anyone coming? I'm afraid of the dark."  
  
"We'll be right up."  
  
*********************************  
  
"P-padfoot? You wore a what with whats to a what???"  
  
"A leopard print dress with a white boa, red lipstick, black high-heels, and had  
  
my hair in mini braids at Suki's parents' party." Sirius recited miserably  
  
***********************  
  
Sirius P.O.V  
  
´Now giving my highly educated wizard mind a workout, I magicked all of the  
  
invitations on to all of the owls.`  
  
"Fly!" I commanded them "fly and be free!" not one of them moved.  
  
"Dammit you birds - FLY!" One ruffles his feathers, but doesn't move. I  
  
eventually was brought to having to throw and push the birds out of the tower. If  
  
there were the lazy asses I knew they were - they'd fall to their deaths. But if they  
  
weren't just crap disposers with wings, they'd deliver my letters. So, what ever  
  
the outcome, I considered my mission a success.  
  
**********************************************************  
  
"GO JAMES GO JAMES! JAMES POTTER FOR GRYFFINDOR!" Sirius  
  
stood up and yelled again, "JAMES, JAMES, JAMES, HE'S OUR MAN."  
  
The two boys on either side of Sirius grabbed his arms and yanked him back into  
  
the sitting position, James gave both of them a look of pure gratitude.  
  
No sooner had the sorting hat touched his head when it shouted, "RIGHT MR.  
  
BLACK YOU CAN SHUT UP NOW AND STOP GIVING THE ENTIRE  
  
SCHOOL A HEAD ACHE BECAUSE MR. POTTER IS IN  
  
GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
"YES!" Sirius was up again, "WELL DONE JAMES! BRAVO!"  
  
James ran to the Gryffindor table was fast as his legs would carry him, wedged  
  
himself in-between Sirius and the boy next to him and hauled on Sirius's arm  
  
making him sit down again, "You're an idiot, Sirius."  
  
Sirius pretended to be offended, "What me? Do you mean to tell me that you  
  
weren't pleased to have your own cheerleading squad.well I must confess I'm  
  
hurt."  
  
*******************************  
  
Sirius, sprawled out on the floor right in front of the portrait hole, was attempting  
  
to trip the next person who walked in, reading Romeo and Juliet with a look of  
  
horror- or perhaps disgust- on his face, while waiting for his victim.  
  
Just then, the portrait hole swung open.  
  
"Potter, Evans-"  
  
Professor McGonagall never finished her sentence, for she tripped over Sirius the  
  
next second. Quickly recognizing the telltale death glare she was giving him, he  
  
quickly jumped up.  
  
"Sorry, Professor," he apologized.  
  
"Black." she was somehow able to frown, glare, and lecture him at the same  
  
time. "Kindly explain to me why you were lying across the entrance of the portrait  
  
hole."  
  
"I was?" he asked innocently. "Why, golly gee, Minnie, it shames me to think I  
  
done you harm. It's rightly kind of you to tell me of my wrongdoin'. So. Can we  
  
get you anythin'? Sarsaparilla, perhaps? A nice, li'l ol' dance?"  
  
"No, Black. I'm sure Billy the Kid will be around later; offer it to him,"  
  
McGonagall said in an icy voice. "Potter, Evans, I just wanted to tell you of the  
  
prefects' meeting we're having tomorrow."  
  
"Yes, ma'am," Sirius saluted.  
  
Sighing, Professor McGonagall left the room, muttering something about  
  
retirement and the joys of being three continents away from Sirius Black.  
  
****************************************  
  
"Now that we're all here," Sirius announced happily, "WRAP YOUR GIFTS!"  
  
He spread a large selection of scissors, tape, and wrapping paper in front of  
  
them.  
  
"WAIT!" he suddenly cried out.  
  
"What?" Lily asked exasperatingly.  
  
"Nothing, I just always wanted to say that," Sirius grinned.  
  
*********************************************  
  
Lily reached for another present and stripped off the invisibility charm on it, but  
  
covered it almost immediately in the wrapping paper. "Done with Black's," she  
  
said.  
  
Sirius perked up. "Oooh! Is that mine? Lemme see, lemme see!"  
  
"No," Lily said, placing it aside.  
  
"Please? Pretty please? With sugar on top?"  
  
"No," Lily replied, starting to wrap another present.  
  
"And a cherry?"  
  
"No."  
  
*******************************  
  
"In other words," Dumbledore continued, "Please give a round of applause to  
  
your professors, prefects, and Head Boy and Girl, as they have all worked very  
  
hard for this. Introducing."  
  
"Albus! The point!" McGonagall said.  
  
"Patience, Minnie, patience."  
  
Sirius grinned at the use of his nickname for the Transfiguration professor, and  
  
clapped.  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Black," Dumbledore chuckled.  
  
********************************  
  
"Alright, people, hot, piping, cookies, straight from the oven," she announced.  
  
So that was where the Head Girl had disappeared to for three hours.  
  
"Cookies!" Sirius cried gleefully, beating a few third years out of the way ("Out of  
  
my way, munchkins! Those cookies are mine, mine, all mine!").  
  
***************************  
  
Camera goes to Sirius who's pretending he can fly~  
  
Remus: It's a bird! It's a plane! Oh crap, it's Sirius Black!  
  
****************************************  
  
Camera goes on Sirius who's licking his water glass. He pretends to try to pull his  
  
tongue away, but it's stuck.  
  
Remus: Oh no! My tongue's stuck, Sirius Black!  
  
**************************************  
  
Sirius wrestled free of her grasp and, rubbing his ears, pointed at Remus. "His idea!  
  
All his idea! I'm an innocent bystander! I'm a patsy! I didn't squeeze her rear, he did!  
  
He's the perpetrator! Lock him up! Ow!" He was quickly silenced by a swift smack on  
  
the back of the head by Madame Pomfrey. *******************************  
  
"And who, Mr. Potter, is going to take care of Harry?" she asked scathingly. Sirius  
  
bobbed up and down in his seat childish-like but James and Lily did not notice.  
  
"I'm sure we can summon a baby-sitter, MRS. Potter!" James said indignantly. "We  
  
really need this vacation!"  
  
"Back to my first question.who?" James and Lily bickered back and forth upon the  
  
subject until Remus cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. Sirius was still  
  
bobbing up and down, trying to get a hold of James and Lily's attention (yet failing  
  
miserably).  
  
***********************************  
  
Whoop-ee." Sirius said unenthusiastically, weakly pumping his fist into the air.  
  
***********************************  
  
"Don't stop 'til you get enough.uh-huh.come on!" he heard Sirius singing  
  
************************************  
  
"I just want to keep him safe is all. It's pretty cold for a little guy like him!" Sirius  
  
grinned cheekily down at Harry, whose arms were sticking straight out because of all  
  
the sweaters. Sirius proceeded in dressing Harry by putting a pair of woolen socks  
  
on his feet, and placing cotton trousers over his diaper. "There!" Sirius said proudly,  
  
as he took a step back to admire his work in dressing babies. Harry could hardly  
  
move, his legs were spread far apart because of the diaper AND the pants.and his  
  
arms were now on a straight angle. Sirius didn't think that was wrong. "It's perfect!"  
  
***************************************  
  
"Come Harry," Sirius beckoned, picking him up. "See, Moony? I can manage kids!  
  
Piece of cake--" CRASH. Apparently, while trying to boast about his accomplishment  
  
with babies, Sirius knocked over a vase of flowers.  
  
***************************************  
  
"If he thinks for a 'second' that just because I'm a 'convict', as he so nicely puts it,  
  
that that's gonna keep me from Harry, well, he's got another thing coming!"  
  
"I heard that!" Dumbledore shouted, Sirius pulled his tongue out. "I also 'saw' that Mr  
  
Black!"  
  
****************************************  
  
'Really, Sirius, what should I get her?'  
  
'How about a nice toaster?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Hoover?'  
  
'No, Sirius.'  
  
'Mixer?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Electric rubbish bin?'  
  
'Stop already, I'm not getting her a kitchen appliance of any kind. We're not married  
  
you know.'  
  
'Margarita machine?'  
  
REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	3. And now even more! Ha,ha,haevil laught

"I will be performing "Dirrty" by Christina Aguilera." Snape said. Hermione  
  
screamed in terror, as a muggle born, she knew that song. The he began.  
  
He finished. Everyone to scared to move. Everything was silent, crickets could  
  
be heard chirping.  
  
Ron had fainted when he started to rap, and Hermione was shaking violently.  
  
Harry eyes had gone up in his head, and Sirius had become unconscious at  
  
some point and was lying in his chicken. Remus was having a seizure under  
  
the table.  
  
McGonagall was barfing a lot, and Dumbledore was just screaming at the top  
  
of his lungs and was running around like a maniac.  
  
********************************************  
  
"Why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends!" Sirius started to sing, but  
  
was cut off as James blew up.  
  
******************************************  
  
Sirius was currently sitting on a towel, his back to the road, saying, "Here  
  
fishy,fishy, fishy. Jump on my hook fishy. You know you want that nice  
  
tasty, squiggly worm."  
  
"Padfoot, what are you doing?" James asked, looking like he was about ready  
  
to fall down laughing.  
  
******************************************  
  
"What are all those cute nicknames you guys use for each other?" Genie  
  
asked them,pouring some more pumpkin juice.  
  
"Yea, I'm sure the whole school wonders about that." Tatiana said, putting a  
  
lock of her dark hair behind her ear, and leaning in to see all their faces,  
  
gazing at them all with her light green eyes.  
  
"Well," Sirius said, "I'm Pad- ow!" Sirius stopped, rubbed his leg, and glared at  
  
James.  
  
James gave him a piercing look. "Sorry - I'm not Pad. but um." he cleared  
  
his throat and quickly glanced at James, "Tampon." All the girls choked on  
  
their food and whippedtheir heads up to look at Sirius. They guys all became  
  
wide-eyed. Genie and Dakota looked at each other, than back at Sirius. "You  
  
know. know how teenage guys are."  
  
The two girls slowly nodded their heads.  
  
"James over there is uh. Thongs." Lily burst out laughing as James hid his  
  
smile by taking a slow, long drink. Everyone else was containing his or her  
  
laughter beautifully.  
  
"Remus is. is. what are you again, Remus?"  
  
"Uh - Moon-me." He replied quickly. Jen started to take shuddering breathes,  
  
trying to keep her mirth inside. A couple of people around them stared as the  
  
bunch of Gryffindors continued to burst out into laughter after feeble attempts  
  
at caging it.  
  
"Right, right. Sorry I forgot - spring heat." Sirius said, nearly rupturing from his  
  
contained laughter.  
  
"That's ok, Tampon old friend." Remus replied, keeping a straight face, and  
  
patting Sirius' hand across the table. Students about them started laughing as  
  
well.  
  
"And Peter. he's," Sirius swallowed to keep from laughing, then said, an  
  
octave higher than usual, "Sperm Whale."  
  
James fell off the bench, and laughed on the floor, with his legs on the bench.  
  
Peter banged his head on the table multiple times. Remus was laughing into  
  
his folded arms on the table, as Jen laughed and supported herself on his  
  
back. Lily fell across  
  
James'legs, while Mel laughed and clung onto a chortling Gus as Ara slowly  
  
pounded a fist on Sirius' back as she laughed.  
  
Sirius himself kept himself up right, and calmly ate a roll, ripping off pieces  
  
and popping them into his mouth. Not to say he wasn't smiling, or shaking  
  
slightly. oh he was.  
  
As people began to calm down, and in James' case, get back seated on the  
  
bench, Genie looked confused.  
  
"Where'd you get the last one?" she asked.  
  
"If only you knew Gene. If only you knew." Sirius said as people laughed some  
  
more.  
  
"Well, we have Ancient Runes now." Sirius addressed all his friends. "Come  
  
on, Moon-me, Sperm Whale, Thongs, ladies."  
  
They all got up slowly, too weak from laughing, and grabbed their bags -  
  
everyone unable to stop smiling.  
  
"I'll see you guys there. I have to talk to Dumbledore for a second." Lily said,  
  
kissing James on the cheek.  
  
Sirius kissed Tatiana on the cheek, waved to Dakota, and left with his friends.  
  
"I didn't mean to make some up, Tampon." James said as Sirius caught up  
  
with them.  
  
"Well, Thongs, I wasn't just going to shut up and leave them in the dark. That'd  
  
just be rude." Sirius said.  
  
"Messrs Moon-me, Sperm Whale, Tampon, and Thongs. Purveyors of Aids to  
  
Magical Mischief-Makers." Remus said with a flourish, sweeping his hands in  
  
front of himself.  
  
************************************************************  
  
"HEHEHE!", the doors crashed open, and in ran Sirius Black, with Remus  
  
Lupin and James Potter chasing after him.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! SAVE ME HARRY!" Sirius yelled,  
  
jumping onto the Slytherin table, and running its length, then table hopping till  
  
he got to where Harry sat.  
  
"Padfoot. You are on your own." Harry said, "Infact, I think I'm gonna help Dad  
  
and Remus out." Harry pulled out his wand, and all of a sudden, Sirius had  
  
been transfigured into an exact copy of Severus Snape. Sirius looked down,  
  
and screamed.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
HAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!" he screeched.  
  
James pretended to wipe a tear from his eye, "I'm so proud of you son. A boy  
  
after my own heart."  
  
Looking proud, Harry faked a sniffle "Thanks Dad."  
  
Then Remus, James, and Harry burst out laughing at Sirius who was running  
  
around in circles like a chicken who's head had just been chopped off.  
  
************************************  
  
When he grew back to his normal height, his clothes didn't. Severus Snape  
  
was standing in the Great Hall naked.  
  
Butt naked.  
  
Traumatized screams came from every table. The loudest ones came from  
  
James, Sirius, and Remus.  
  
"My eyes! My eyes!" shrieked Sirius, clutching at his face. Remus was  
  
pounding his own head on the table, and James was sobbing into a shamed  
  
looking Lily's shoulder.  
  
Snape finally realized why everyone was freaking out, and why he suddenly  
  
felt very cold. He ran crying like a sissy girl from the room.  
  
**************************************  
  
Lily and James are looking for a baby-sitter for Harry because they don´t want  
  
Sirius to be the baby-sitter, so Sirius has a plan:  
  
When the interview was done, both Lily and James were quietly discussing on  
  
what to do. The old lady, Mrs. Hoch, let her eyes look down at Harry. She  
  
smiled kindly at him, and it was returned with a smile too. Still seeing that  
  
they were discussing, she look out the large window and her eyes widened.  
  
Sirius held out his hand, and transfigured the stick into man-size dummy. He  
  
put a little glamour spell on it, to look like a real man. Half the people left, and  
  
he just had to get rid of this Mrs. Hoch, who looked like the perfect baby- sitter.  
  
He lay the man on the ground in front of the window. Changing into his animagi  
  
form, he bounded towards it, and proceeded to make vicious growls and  
  
started to bite the 'man's' arm, pulling him this way and that. As luck would  
  
have it, the woman had looked at the window.  
  
Time to put my acting skills into motion..  
  
Mrs. Hoch looked with horror as the dog proceeded to try ripping the man's  
  
arm off.  
  
"Mr. Potter." she trailed off in horror.  
  
Still discussing with his wife, he hadn't heard what she said. Harry, looked at  
  
the kind woman's face, and saw that she seemed frightened. Trying to be  
  
friendly, Harry got up and walked towards Mrs. Hoch. She looked down at him,  
  
seeming to be dazed. "Harry.. Do you have a dog?"  
  
She didn't expect an answer, but bent down and lifted Harry in her arms. Harry  
  
got a good look out the window and broke into giggles. Turning to Mrs. Hoch,  
  
Harry said in a correcting voice. "Puppy!"  
  
"That's a puppy?" she said incredulously.  
  
Harry nodded, clapping his hands. As Sirius managed to rip off the arm and  
  
was going for the head.  
  
Mrs. Hoch, abruptly set Harry down upon the floor, gently of course. Clearing  
  
her throat she caught Lily and James' attention. Lily was smiling. "Mrs. Hoch,  
  
we are going to hire--"  
  
"I'm quite sorry, dear, but I just realized I have a.. thing."  
  
"A thing?" Lily said, in the same incredulous tone that Mrs. Hoch used when  
  
she inquired about the dog.  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid I can't stay any longer. Good day." She apparated quickly.  
  
Bewildered she turned to her husband, "What was that all about?"  
  
The doorbell rang.  
  
Lily lifted her wand, and the door opened--  
  
"Is the job still open?"  
  
Sirius Black. Grinning madly.  
  
"Puppy!" **************************************  
  
OKEY, PEOPLE IT´LL TAKE A WHILE TO UPDATE THIS, I SWEAR THAT I  
  
CRIED WHEN SIRIUS DIED I COULDN´T BELIEVE IT. I´LL MISS HIM AND  
  
NOW IT WON´T BE THE SAME DOING THIS BUT I´LL KEEP GOING WITH  
  
IT.  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! 


	4. From fishes to Mr Kookoonana and Mr Chi

Remus rolled his eyes and stepped forward so that Petunia Dursley could see his  
  
reflection in the mirror.  
  
Before she noticed, Sirius leaned over to Remus, "Aren't you supposed to not  
  
have a reflection?"  
  
"That's vampires, genius."  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
They were interrupted by a sudden high pitched scream which made Remus  
  
wonder if Mrs. Dursley was related to a Mandrake.  
  
"Wh-who are you?!" Petunia shrieked.  
  
"We-" Sirius started.  
  
"-Are now deaf." Remus finished, "Hello, Mrs. Dursley! I am Mr. Kookoonana and  
  
this is my partner Mr. Chi-"  
  
Sirius cleared his throat.  
  
"What?!" Remus asked irritably, annoyed at being interrupted.  
  
"You prat!" Sirius hissed, "I'M Mr. Kookoonana and YOU'RE Mr. Chi!"  
  
*************************************  
  
They seemed amazed at the little plastic gnomes in the front yard.  
  
"Little people!" Sirius exclaimed as they approached the first lawn gnome. He  
  
was about three feet tall with red pants and a blue button up shirt. Sirius  
  
galloped up to him and hugged the plastic ornament happily.  
  
"Err.Sirius? What are you doing to Bob?" Lily had just stepped out of the door  
  
to her house and saw the particularly odd scene.  
  
"He doesn't look happy! He needed a hug!" He screamed back at her, "Have  
  
y'all been feeding him?"  
  
Lily looked from Sirius, with his arm hanging protectively over the three- foot  
  
gnome  
  
***************************************  
  
Harry was speaking to Sirius trough the mirrors, James was next to Sirius:  
  
"What about my mum?" he asked quietly.  
  
Sirius grinned mischievously. "Still as hot as ever! OW...!" At first Harry looked  
  
appalled. Why was Sirius talking like that? Then he remembered that he'd said  
  
James was right beside him. *Trying to make him jealous, probably* he thought.  
  
Typical Sirius.  
  
"James hit me," smirked Sirius.  
  
"I figured that. Now, besides my mum being 'as hot as ever', how is she?" Harry  
  
asked.  
  
"She's doing great. She feels sorry for you though," Sirius said.  
  
"Feels sorry for me? Why?!" he asked.  
  
Sirius grinned again. "'Cause you look more like James than her," he explained.  
  
"Cursed, I say...OW!!! James hit me again!!" Sirius complained.  
  
***********************************  
  
" Love, you're so beautiful. Where have you been all my life?" Sirius paused for  
  
effect, " You're everything I ever wanted, ever dreamed for, could ever hope for!  
  
Now you're here. And you're all mine. Ah, I remember the first time I laid eyes  
  
on you, and look at us now. "  
  
"Yes, Mr. Black. Look at you now. Pouring your heart out----to a motorcycle."  
  
Sirius Black didn't tear his eyes from his new motorcycle, but he could almost  
  
picture the pretty redhead behind him; laughing. Which she was.  
  
*************************************  
  
The sun poured through the window and beamed it's unwelcome rays in Prongs  
  
face. Beyond that everything was perfect. No baby crying, Lily was home,  
  
cuddled up against him, and he was refreshed from his little nap.  
  
Wait. Lily isn't home!  
  
"GAH!!!" James eyes snapped open and he rolled off the bed and landed on his  
  
head. Who had been..snuggling with him? Ew. Wait. He knew. Unfortunately.  
  
"OH HELL PADFOOT!!! I TOLD YOU TO SLEEP ON THE FRICKIN' COUCH!!"  
  
James emerged from the floor and whacked his friend with his pillow. Sirius just  
  
grinned insanely.  
  
***************************************  
  
He unscrewed the top of the fish food bottle and started talking to his fish,  
  
"Good morning Ms. Goldie! How are you today pumpkin?" Sirius tapped on Ms.  
  
Goldie's fishbowl glass frantically and then yelped, "MS. GOLDIE?! WHERE  
  
ARE YOU?!"  
  
Suddenly, the small goldfish appeared from its small, plastic purple castle with  
  
sparkly green glitter and floated to the top of the water. Her eyes were all cloudy  
  
and she was...  
  
"STOP SLEEPING MS. GOLDIE! Its time to EAT! Get up!" Sirius poked his  
  
wand in the water and whirled it around. Ms. Goldie just whirled around and  
  
around in the water.  
  
*******************************  
  
"Well, yo- your fish is gone, forever," Remus told him.  
  
"No! She's not gone! Maybe she learned a new trick like playing dead!"  
  
exclaimed Sirius.  
  
*******************************  
  
"Sirius, I heard that fishies go to Fishy Heaven if they go down the toilet,"  
  
informed James.  
  
His eyes were wide open and exclaimed "Really?!"  
  
"Yes, really!"  
  
"Really, really?!"  
  
"Yes, really really!"  
  
"REALLY REALLY REALLY?!"  
  
"YES ALREADY!"  
  
"Then flushing it is!" said Sirius in a sing-song voice. "I'll do whatever it takes to  
  
make sure Ms. Goldie is happy forever!"  
  
After lunch, the four friends went to their dormitory, and changed into their best  
  
black robes. They then gathered into the bathroom and hovered over the toilet.  
  
Sirius was holding Ms. Goldie's bowl carefully. He then gracefully turned it over  
  
and drained all the water out into the toilet, but Ms. Goldie got stuck on the side  
  
of her fishbowl, so Sirius had to smack the glass to get her off it. She then  
  
plopped into the toilet water.  
  
*****************************  
  
Dear Evil Elf Worker,  
  
Is it true you use under-aged elfs! YOU'RE A BAD, BAD MAN! So, either you  
  
give me this stuff or I'll go to the Daily Prophet, Witch Weekly, and every other  
  
paper in the World. Mwuhwahwahwahwa!  
  
Explosives  
  
More explosives  
  
Give James a date with Lily Evans  
  
Give Remus more books, he deserves them  
  
Have the Reindeer eat Snape & Malfoy  
  
Give Snape shampoo before he dies  
  
Give Malfoy deodorant before he dies  
  
Give Peter a girlfriend and make him stop flirting with us  
  
Explosives  
  
A Hogwarts toilet seat  
  
Oh, and besides ruining your reputation I'll help James blow up your igloo!  
  
Sirius Black  
  
*************************************  
  
Remus answering machine clicked on, and Remus grinned at the sound of his  
  
own voice, "'Ello! You've reached Remus Lupin! If this truly is important, leave  
  
your name and a number after the beep... and I'll get back to you a) if I feel like  
  
it and b) if I can. Unless of course your name is Sirius Black, in which case:  
  
Sod of you git! I'm tired of listening to your memories of the good ol' days at  
  
school when you showed off Malfoy's hot pink boxers!" BEEP!  
  
"REMUS!" roared Sirius Black's voice (obviously magically magnified) over the  
  
speaker, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME TO SOD OFF?! PICK UP, YOU GIT! IT'S  
  
IMPORTANT! I KNOW THAT YOU'RE THERE... REMMY!....... MOONY! DON'T  
  
MAKE ME CRY! YOU KNOW I WILL! OKAY, MAYBE NOT, BUT I CAN *SING*!  
  
STILL NOT ANSWERING? FINE. YOU ASKED FOR IT! THE ITSEY BITSEY  
  
SPIDER-" Beep.  
  
Remus laughed loudly as the machine cut his friend off, and was not at all  
  
surprised when it rang again seconds later.  
  
"'Ello! You've reached Remus Lupin! If this truly is important, leave your name  
  
and a number after the beep.... I'll get back to you a) if I feel like it and b) if I  
  
can.Unless of course your name is Sirius Black, in which case: Sod of you git!  
  
I'm tired of listening to your memories of the good ol' days at school when you  
  
showed off Malfoy's hot pink boxers!" BEEP!  
  
"Your stupid machine cut me off! Stupid Muggle invention! Anyway. THE ITSEY  
  
BITSEY SPIDER WENT UP THE WATER SPOUT! DOWN CAME THE RAIN  
  
AND-!"  
  
"Alright! Alright! ENOUGH!" Remus shouted into the phone after snatching it up,  
  
"Good god Sirius!"  
  
"Ha, HA! I win!"  
  
*******************************  
  
PLEASE REVIEW!!!  
  
AND THANKS TO  
  
kaitlyn..."I give it all to Mr.Black."  
  
Anrion ("Padfoot and Moony Return to HoggywartyHogwarts!")  
  
Rowlingfan1 


	5. From MrPookie to Skippy

Serious Advice, by Sirius Black  
  
If my advice doesn't work for you....then you're screwed.  
  
Q: I often dream that I'm falling into a big hole, what does this mean?  
  
A: How am I supposed to know? What do I look like, an advice columnist or  
  
something? Go ask Professor Trelawny.  
  
Q: How self-absorbed are you!?!  
  
A: Very. But I prefer to call it self-love.  
  
Q: I don't have any friends and I really want some. Could you help me?  
  
A: Get some rocks and put smiley faces on them. I'm sure they'll be your  
  
friend. No denying in that.  
  
Q: I hear voices at night and I don't know why! They scare me! HELP ME!  
  
A: Close the door when you're sleeping so you don't hear people talking in the  
  
common room.  
  
***************************************  
  
So yeah Christmas was getting near and everything was pretty normal unless  
  
you count the time when James turned Lily into a bunny and Lily as a bunny  
  
scratched his face, and well the time when Lily threw a pillow, or it looked like  
  
one, I think it had stones inside, which knocked James for 3 days, he was  
  
frantic when he woke up and almost drowned Lily to death in the lake.  
  
***************************************  
  
Sirius shoved a bundle of costumes into James' arms. James looked at the  
  
costumes Sirius handed him and then held up a small, pink, glittery fairy suit.  
  
James- Ehhem. You expect me to wear this?  
  
Sirius- Well when I said dress up, I meant to really, really disguise ourselves.  
  
James- Oh and I suppose you're going to be a fluffy, white bunny with floppy  
  
ears?  
  
Sirius- Er..no..*shoves the bunny suit behind his back* Well just go change!  
  
James and Sirius entered the fitting rooms, trying on the costumes. After a  
  
few minutes, Sirius came out looking like a constructor worker with a hairy  
  
mustache and a thick unibrow that covered ¼ of his forehead. He wore an  
  
oversized yellow helmet, leaving his ears protruding and wearing huge boots.  
  
*********************************  
  
"Tunak tunak! Tunak tunak! Tunak tunak, Tun Da da da!" They clapped on the  
  
'das', and danced on. This time, they did free style. Sirius did the funky  
  
chicken, as Remus did the swimmer. Then it was time for the Tunaks and  
  
string pulling. This continued for quite sometime.  
  
**********************************  
  
"Well, that was fun, wasn't it?"Sirius said after his third lesson that day,  
  
covered in an odd-looking green goo and looking rather singed. The students  
  
blinked at him, and then, almost in one motion, gathered up all their materials  
  
and left.  
  
Sirius shrugged. "Oh well," he said to himself, and, ignoring the mess, started  
  
prodding the contents of his potion. Classes were done for the day, thank the  
  
Lord.  
  
Suddenly, a loud scream came from the doorway, and Sirius jumped, pointing  
  
his wand reflexively. When he saw who was standing there, he wasn't sure  
  
whether to feel relieved or frightened.  
  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY CLASSROOM?" Lily shrieked. Sirius  
  
looked back into his cauldron and prodded it's contents a bit more, which  
  
almost looked as though they were beginning to move on their own.  
  
"Created Flubber, I think," Sirius said. Lily didn't seem to appreciate the  
  
American Muggle movie reference.  
  
*******************************  
  
"Cause I am the almighty ruler of this school, the king of pranks, the ladies  
  
man, Sirius Black." Young Sirius said, jumping off the bed striking a super  
  
hero pose. As an afterthought he added, "Or to my friends, Padfoot."  
  
******************************  
  
"Fine, I'll never speak to you again," sobbed Sirius. He ran out of the Great  
  
Hall crying, tripping once, smacking his face off the ground, crying even more.  
  
******************************  
  
"So, who's up for a game of Duck, Duck, Goose?" Padfoot asked eagerly.  
  
Snape growled, "No, besides if we did. We couldn't see the game. It would  
  
turn into a violent Duck, Duck, Goose..."  
  
"Well, we gotta do something! I mean, after you're malfunctioning wand!"  
  
Wormtail murmured.  
  
"My wand is fine! This isn't even my wan-... Hey! It feels exactly the same as  
  
that twig! DAMNIT!" Snape bellowed.  
  
"Duck... Duck... Duck..." Padfoot started.  
  
"No." Prongs said firmly.  
  
"WHAT!? Even you don't wanna play!?" Padfoot whined.  
  
"I'll play!" Wormtail insisted.  
  
"But it's not fun with only two people!" Padfoot whined again.  
  
"Shut your trap..." Moony growled.  
  
"Marco Polo!" Peter suggested happily.  
  
"God... No! We are so not playing Violent Marco Polo!" Moony grumbled.  
  
"Marco!" Padfoot yelled.  
  
"POLO!" Wormtail yelled.  
  
A loud crash was heard. "MY LEG! I THINK I BROKE MY LEG!" Padfoot  
  
started screaming.  
  
Prongs was heard slapping his forehead, "Great Wizards... No."  
  
*************************  
  
"January is cold, Dumbledore is old, my name is Sirius and I am delirious!"  
  
*************************  
  
"Bored, bored, bored."James heard Sirius mumble from beside him. "I am so  
  
bloody bored it's unbelievable. It should not be physically possible to be this  
  
bored. I could not be any more bored than I am right now. No, wait, I could.  
  
Cause I'm even more bored right this second. I am very very very, extremely,  
  
and unbelievably bor-"  
  
************************  
  
"NO! EAT THESE GUMMY BEARS!" screamed Sirius in a very demanding  
  
way. Then Sirius stuffed the gummy bears in Lily's mouth furiously. The  
  
Marauders stared at Sirius in complete shock.  
  
**********************  
  
Mr. Pookie or Skye. Who's worth it? thought Sirius. Sirius began remembering  
  
the good ol' memories with Mr. Pookie like eating cookies with him and buying  
  
Mr. Pookie's first pair of bunny slippers.  
  
*********************  
  
James and Lily entered through the portrait hole with everyone staring at them.  
  
They then realized they were still holding hands and quickly let go.  
  
"What's this? You guys were ACTUALLY holding hands. You never held my  
  
hand Miss Evans! This hurts Lily. It really does." said Sirius trying to hold  
  
back tears while tolding Mr. Pookie tightly (But the truth is that he was  
  
thinking `You got her Prongs!´)  
  
*******************  
  
A huge catfight ensued in which hair was pulled, nails were broken, punches  
  
were thrown, and arms were bitten. Sirius wasted no time. He knew what he  
  
had to do. Being a man of honor and integrity, he immediately started taking  
  
bets.  
  
*******************  
  
The three eventually made their way, grudgingly, of course, to the Slytherin  
  
common room. Sam and Lily assigned Sirius to the window hoping he  
  
wouldn't do too much damage while they got to scrubbing the carpet-without  
  
magic.  
  
A few minutes later they heard an "Oh, shit!" from Sirius who, had somehow  
  
managed to set the curtains on fire.  
  
*****************  
  
They all turned around and gasped. This couldn't be Sirius Black. This was  
  
some imposter wearing a tie dye rainbow shirt that came out in little frills on  
  
the collar (which was half covered by a matching scarf) and sleeves, stuffed  
  
into these tight black bell-bottom leather pants that showed every crease and  
  
crevice on his perfectly sculpted legs, with some blazing red high heel boots  
  
replacing his usual blue lace-up Converse's, all topped off with a red velvet  
  
cowboy hat that covered his shiny slicked back hair.  
  
******************  
  
Sirius, although not the brightest candle on the cake, caught this sudden hush  
  
and became suspicious.  
  
*****************  
  
"Mr. Black - you will come with me," she narrowed her eyes at him then  
  
turned abruptly and marched out of the common room. Sirius gave Lily an  
  
'Oops' expression before following the fuming teacher out of the room.  
  
"Minerva! Doll! Can't we talk this over?" his voice sounded from just outside the  
  
portrait hole.  
  
****************  
  
"Well, we should probably go," Remus rejoined. "We've only got half an hour to  
  
get to the airport. Does everyone have their passports?"  
  
"Duh." Sirius tossed his up in the air. It got caught in the ceiling fan. "AAAAA!"  
  
he screamed, as his passport whirled around. "TURN OFF THE FAN!" he  
  
yelled, "TURN IT OFF!"  
  
James turned off the fan. Sirius' passport flew through the air, smacking Lily in  
  
the nose.  
  
"AH! MY NOSE!" Lily exclaimed.  
  
******************  
  
"Since we are in a new land, full of mystery and wonder, we must give  
  
ourselves new names. Remus, I christen you. . . Kodac."  
  
"KODAC?!"  
  
"Shh. James, I christen you Dippy. Peter," Sirius continued loudly over the  
  
wails of malcontent and the snickers on Lily and Peter's part, "I christen you  
  
Elmer."  
  
"ELMER. You are going to call me. . . Elmer." Peter smacked his forehead in  
  
disbelief. "I must be dreaming."  
  
"Lily, you are now to be Suki."  
  
Lily stood in silence. "I cannot believe this," she thought.  
  
"But wait," Remus said, "What about *your* name?"  
  
"My name?" Sirius asked in confusion.  
  
"Yes," James said evilly. "Your name."  
  
"I think. . ." Lily said slowly, "I think the name, Skippy sounds about right."  
  
"Skippy?" All color drained from Sirius' face. "No. Not. . . not *SKIPPY*!"  
  
"Yes!" they all shouted.  
  
"I never should have given them their names," Sirius murmured in deep, deep  
  
bitterness.  
  
****************  
  
REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
MAX  
  
(OH, AND THANKS TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT ALREADY DID)  
  
(Disclaimer: I don´t own any of this, the characters (most of them) belong to  
  
J.K.Rowling, and all of the other stories belong to the people who wrote them  
  
(thanks)) 


	6. The come back

"Thanks Remmy, by the way did you see my underwear??" Sirius asked,   
  
digging his trunk. His olive green towel wrapped around his body, which   
  
covered his chest till his thigh.  
  
*******************  
  
  
  
Sirus and Snape had been alone on christmas in Hogwarts, two weeks later   
  
James came back:  
  
James was on his way to the common room, when he saw Finn Avery coming   
  
straight at him with ... enormous speed.   
  
"Hey, Finn!" he called out to the other fourth-year Gryffindor. He grabbed Finn's   
  
arm just to stop him and was nearly swept of his feet.   
  
"Whoa ... Finn. What's up? Did you see Sirius?"  
  
He got a horrified look but no answer. James thought that he'd probably   
  
squeezed the boy's arm too tight. "Sorry, Finn. I didn't -" But to James'   
  
amazement, Avery - just ran away.  
  
"What was all that about?" he muttered to himself, speeding up his pace. He   
  
suddenly had a very bad feeling.  
  
"PIGLET!" he called in front of the Gryffindor portrait. But suddenly, a dark   
  
figure jumped out of the nearest broom closet, bearing him face first to the   
  
ground and then dragging him without a word into the cupboard.   
  
First he was too shocked to react, but when he found his voice again, the   
  
small room began to shake. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? YOU TOUCH ME   
  
AGAIN AND I'LL CURSE YOU FROM HERE TO -"  
  
"Shhhhhh ... it's me," the figure whispered sharply.  
  
James gaped. He knew that voice as well as his own.  
  
"Sirius? What are you doing? Damn! You hurt my ... never mind. And my hair!"  
  
"Shhhhhh ... he will hear you."  
  
"Whmpf-" Sirius clamped his hands over his friend's mouth but James decided   
  
that he had quite enough of this lunacy. He pushed Sirius back and pulled out   
  
his wand. "LUMOS!"  
  
But the light didn't make it any better. On the contrary. James looked into the   
  
face of an utterly bewildered Sirius Black. His blue eyes were as big as   
  
saucers, his hair was greasy - of all things - and he most definitely had lost   
  
weight.  
  
"What happened here?" James grabbed Sirius by the shoulders. "What did   
  
Snape do to you?"  
  
"Do? Nothing. Yet. I didn't give him a chance to. I was on guard."  
  
***************************  
  
Molly had just washed Sirius hair and was now about to comb it  
  
"How would you like to be bald, Sirius? Because at the rate she's going I think   
  
Mum is gonna have to shave your hair off completely. Unless you want an   
  
afro."  
  
"That's a great idea, Fred! Hey Mum, give him an afro!"  
  
"No, Ginny."  
  
"Yeah, awesome!"  
  
"No, Ron."  
  
"Aw, please?"  
  
"NO Sirius!"  
  
********************  
  
"Er, yeah, thanks guys! I REALLY like my gift, its so cute and fluffy and soft!"   
  
Remus had said the three magic words. Cute, fluffy and soft.  
  
Sirius stirred from under his sheets. He was interested. "What is it?"  
  
*****************  
  
"Hey there! How you doing?" Sirius said, jumping up and shaking her hand   
  
wildly.  
  
"I'm sorry for his behavior, Lily," Remus said, politely shaking Lily's hand. "I   
  
couldn't keep him away from the orange soda."  
  
**************  
  
"I will never understand you, Padfoot," said Remus. "Never."  
  
"No one does," said Sirius, "and no one ever will, for I am Sirius Black! Keeper   
  
of the Orange Soda!"  
  
**************  
  
"Please, please no more high-stakes Candyland," Ron cut in, "I already owe   
  
Fred and George five Galleons. No more board games, all right?" There was a   
  
long pause as all of Grimmauld's inhabitants tried to come up with something   
  
to do.  
  
"We could string Kreacher up by his toes and pretend he's a piñata,"   
  
Sirius offered.  
  
************************  
  
"All right," Sirius sighed triumphantly, "I've got it."  
  
"No," moaned Remus, "No, you don't. You don't have the first clue. You're just   
  
guessing."  
  
"Quiet, Moony," Sirius growled, "I know exactly what I'm doing. It was White in   
  
the billiards room with the revolver." He grinned broadly, put down his cards   
  
and opened the 'top secret' envelope. Suddenly, Sirius' face fell. "Professor   
  
Plum. Wrench. Conservatory," he read aloud. Ron laughed, Hermione rolled   
  
her eyes and Remus dropped an exasperated head to the table top.  
  
"Honestly!" Hermione cried, "Six games in a row, now. No one can win   
  
because you keep guessing wrong. Completely ungrounded guesses! Look at   
  
this," she gestured at his cards. "White was in your hand! How could she have   
  
been the killer?!"  
  
***************************  
  
"Yes m'am! As you wish, Sirius Black at your service! Hut hut- ahhh" Sirius   
  
screamed as he tripped over the leg of the table. He had been hopping away,   
  
on another one of his sugar highs and slammed headfirst into the floor.   
  
**************************  
  
"Yeah, Jamsie, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, you are free-spirited butterfly-"   
  
"Shut up Sirius!" Both James and Remus yelled.   
  
***************************  
  
"Sirius?"   
  
"Harry!"   
  
"You're dead!"   
  
"I'm back!"   
  
"I CRIED for you!"   
  
"It means you love me."   
  
From Behind the Veil   
  
*******************************  
  
"Look," said James, "Sirius will look after you 2, he doesn't bite."  
  
"That's what you think!" said Lily. Everyone looked at her in horror, "Joke," she explained.  
  
*******************************  
  
"And snakes. What is it with Slytherins and snakes? You don't see me pulling a Griffin around on a   
  
leash." –Sirius Black   
  
********************  
  
"Prongise my boy! Does this mean we can eat?!" he asked excitedly as he jumped up from the sofa   
  
and started to jump up and down while clapping his hands. "Food! Food! We must have food!" he   
  
chanted while interlocking his elbow with James's and grabbed Remus as he was walking down the   
  
stairs and made his way (jumping) down to the Great Hall.   
  
*******************  
  
"What's with him?" James shouted over Sirius's off-key singing while he skipped along with him. It   
  
was either that, or end up tripping over your own feet. And as James really didn't want to embarrass  
  
himself that way, he decided that he'd rather skip.   
  
"I don't know!" Remus shouted back as he tried to keep pace with Sirius. "I think that he's on a sugar rush!"   
  
"Sugar?!" Sirius shouted and abruptly stopped, causing Remus and James to fall on their bums because   
  
Sirius was holding them back.   
  
"Ow," Remus exclaimed as he gingerly rubbed his bum.   
  
"Really." James said as he agreed with Remus and looked at Sirius. "What was with that?!"   
  
"Where's sugar," he asked in a hissing whisper, looking over his shoulders to see if he could find anything   
  
with sugar in it.   
  
"Oh, no," Remus and James moaned. Sirius was in one of his three year old moods. Which meant,   
  
pranks galore, sugar, jumping, and clapping.   
  
"Sugar, sugar, sugar!" Sirius began to chant.   
  
********************  
  
"Too bad!" Sirius chirped. "Now then, onward!" he exclaimed as he pointed his right arm forward as if   
  
it was a sword, and headed towards the Great Hall.   
  
***********************************  
  
Finally the sorting ended and Dumbledore stood again. "Before we start I would like to remind   
  
students that the Forbidden forest is indeed forbidden." He looked to where Sirius and he friends  
  
where sitting. "And, I'm sorry, Mr. Black," he again looked at Sirius. "But the name of the Forbidden   
  
Forest cannot be changed to 'The Lovely and Welcoming Forest Filled with Fuzzy Toed Munchkins.'   
  
**********************************  
  
In the meantime, Sirius had caught up with the squirrel. "Here squirrelly, squirrelly, squirrelly.   
  
Come to Papa. HEY!" Sirius poked the squirrel with a very sharp stick. "GIVE ME BACK MY WAND!!!!!"  
  
At home, Remus was saying, "He was always so kind to wildlife."  
  
**********************************  
  
"Well, first off, I would like to compliment that baby blue undergarments look very nice on you,"   
  
Sirius said, receiving a deadly death glare from Lauren, but than he continued, "Well, Lauren,   
  
Remus, I'm happy to inform you that I, Sirius Black, came up with our first task on Mission:   
  
Make Lily and James realize that they love each other, and have little baby Lilys and Jamess."  
  
************************************  
  
Sirius just grinned and danced out of the room. Of course, he nearly fell down the stairs, but he didn't   
  
mind. He knew something about his best friend that he didn't.  
  
***********************************  
  
"Vernon something or another. From what I've heard from you, he's not the world's greatest guy," I answered.  
  
"Oh! Lily! Can I curse him?" Sirius asked, excitedly.  
  
"No!" James and I shouted at the same time causing Sirius to pout.  
  
"I promise it won't cause permanent damage!" Sirius argued.  
  
"NO!" James and I shouted again.  
  
"Fine I'll just point and laugh—you can't stop me from doing that," Sirius said defiantly.  
  
"Number one," James said, pulling the all too familiar scroll out of his back pocket, "No pointing and/or laughing at anyone."  
  
"You guys bloody suck," Sirius whined.  
  
**********************************  
  
Well I know I haven`t updated for a while, I was really busy with exams at highschool, and here I`ll put some of the names of the stories where I readed some of this (This time I remembered to put the names in paper).  
  
I hope you like it!!!!  
  
REVIEW PLEASE!!!!!  
  
Some of the stories:  
  
-hogwarts paranoia  
  
-sirius haircut  
  
-Sirius new pet  
  
-The Love In Him  
  
-The Noble and Most Ancient House of Boredom  
  
-No! Not that!  
  
Oh!, and thanks to all this reviewers:   
  
Snuffles2984:Loved your long review.And thanks, I tought that it was an original idea.  
  
Wonkywerewolf:Of course I´ll write more!!  
  
mankypankySB:Thanks for adding it to your favourites, I´ll try to find the fanfictions  
  
where I got them from.  
  
Tropic:Don´t worry, my friends and family think that I´m insane also.  
  
Selphie:On public?!?! Next time I´ll recomend reading it on a private place, with not  
  
too much people on it.  
  
ltnikki:Thanks, I´ll get some from there.  
  
Chise2003:And they are very interesting, like I said before, I´ll try to find the names  
  
of the stories.  
  
Tawa bids you good day:Thanks for putting me on your favourites list and thanks for  
  
the Sirius baby clone free of charge. Now I have a Sirius!!!Yay!  
  
Rowlingfan1: Yay!  
  
Sirius' Secret Lover MB Sirius:Tell me, who isn´t in love with Sirius 


	7. As you can see Sirius is back!

"So, where is this place?" Came Moony's curious voice over the receiver. Paddy and Moony had

bought phones the other day, after all, they were going to play at being Muggles.

"Oh, somewhere nearby."

"Paddy! Last time you said 'Nearby, we ended up in Spain!"

------------------------------------------------

"Sirius you fall and bring me with you and I'm going to have to murder you, got it?" he asked, just

as Sirius tripped over a stone step that one of the suits of armor were placed on.

"Shit!" James cursed as his elbow smacked into the stone floor. "How the hell can you be so damn

clumsy?" James demanded as he pushed himself up from the floor and offered a hand out to his friend

who it seemed was nursing a bruised head.

"I was born on the floor?" Sirius suggested as he got up. "SO maybe I decided I liked it down on

the floor when I was born and trip all the time to be on the floor."

------------------------------------------------

James grinned, and casually glanced around and his eyes landed on the sleeping Sirius.

"Oh God, that's disgusting," he said with a look of extreme revolt on his face. Lily looked over.

"Eww," she said. His head was on his shoulder and a long string of drool was coming from his mouth causing

a puddle in the crook of his arm. "Somebody wake him up."

Remus rolled over on his back and sat up. He crept around the chair so he was behind Sirius.

"Cover your ears," he said. He raised his hand and flicked him hard in the ear.

"OY!" Sirius yelled jumping out of his seat.

"Good call on the 'cover your ears', mate," James said.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" Sirius roared. "You flick hard!"

Everyone laughed.

"Padfoot, you were drooling like Niagara Falls."

"Oh." He looked down and saw his pile of slobber on his shirt. "Eww."

------------------------------------------------

"So she's not a difficult child?" said Sirius putting two heaping spoonfuls sugar in his coffee.

"Difficult?" laughed Harry. "No, not on purpose anyway. She's just extremely curious, which makes it

a bit difficult on me. She had me stumped the other day, Sirius, absolutely stumped."

Sirius laughed heartily. "I'm glad you took her on. Frankly, you need someone around who can keep

you second guessing."

Harry smiled and looked a little embarrassed. "If you say so."

"Is she accepting that she is a witch?" said Sirius sipping his coffee and making a horrible face and s

pooning a few more heaps of sugar in it.

"Yes and no. She wants to be one but she doesn't realize that she really already is one. It is sort of a hard

concept to grasp at first, how do you tell someone that they have something but they can't see or do anything with it?"

"Well, that'll change once she figures out a spell or two." Sirius said wisely. He cautiously took a taste of coffee.

"That'll be interesting," Harry said, as he watched Sirius add yet more sugar. "Would you like some coffee with your sugar?"

------------------------------------------------

'What about you,Sirius? What would you give up, sex or food?' asked James

'Uhm... oh... I don't know, it's too hard.'

'No, you gotta pick one!' Remus said smirking

'Oh... food. No, sex. Food! Sex! Food! Se-I don't know! Good God, I don't know, I want girls on bread!'

------------------------------------------------

"And Sirius...try not to atract any attention, you don't need it"

"Right you are, Moony. Let's get this show on the road, granny," he agreed, and gave Sirius a shove in Lily's direction.

Unfortunately, this led Sirius to attract unwanted attention to himself as he tripped his way down the stairs.

"Graceful," Remus sighed, looking around at the occupants of the restaurant.

------------------------------------------------

"Since you are my best friend I think I shall risk. Dare."

"Take your socks out of the room, I beg you."

"What socks?" Sirius didn't understand what James was talking about.

"Your socks. The blue ones with embroidered teddy-bears. You know the ones that you took off a while ago."

"Oh these socks!" Sirius lifted his socks from his shoes.

"Yes, these. Now please could you be such a good boy and do what I told you?"

"Sure, I'll have to anyway because it's a dare. Just could you tell me at first why are my socks," Sirius held

them in his stretched hand just a meter from James's face, "so special that you want me to take them out of the room?"

"And you ask me that?" James asked while moving away from the socks. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but these

socks have been lying by my side for about half an hour and well even flies started gathering above them."

------------------------------------------------

soon as they entered the classroom, they were in shock.

"SIRIUS! WHY?" Ron yelled. Everything was pink. Tonks was sitting on a chair with her eyes closed, saying

things under her breath. When they stepped closer to her, they heard.

"The room is not pink, Sirius is not a fairy, Sirius did not make fairy bread, he will not sing and dance like a fairy,

he is not in a fairy costume, there is no list, we didn't make a list, Sirius hasn't done anything out of the ordinary,

Sirius is not dressed as a fairy."

------------------------------------------------

"SIRIUS?" Harry called out.

"In a second, just getting strapped up."

"Please don't tell me that is what I think it means." Sirius came walking out from behind the board and oh my god. T

heir jaws dropped as Harry's godfather came out in a frilly, sparkly pink fairy costume. Remus came out laughing madly.

------------------------------------------------

"Okay people...I can't breathe!" said the muffled voice of the one and only, Sirius Black. All they could see of him

were his feet as he was completely covered in a bright red sleeping bag. Hermione had the camera out.

"Go Son GO!" Tonks yelled out. Sirius swore and began to run, but immediately found his way into a wall.

"Sirius you NUT!" Ron yelled out. They picked Sirius up with difficulty and carried him out into the grounds

and set him loose. He began to run like a kiwi, then gained speed and tripped over his own feet and went flying

and began rolling down a hill towards the lake.

"I hope you realise, that if he falls in there he is going to drown because he won't be able to get the sleeping

bag off." Hermione said to Lupin. Lupin was obviously thinking really hard whether to save Sirius or now.

"Ah...he better." He said with effort and they all ran after the run away sleeping bag.

"Sirius! Try rolling in the other direction!"

"H-o-o-o-o-w t-h-the h-e-e-e-e-l-l- a-m-m-m-m I-I-I-I me-an-n—n-nt to-o-o-o do-o-o-o tha-a-a-a-at? They heard a rolling voice.

Neville laughed and Ginny had finally caught up with Sirius and grabbed onto the sleeping bag.

------------------------------------------------

"Ron! Stop popping the bubbles! It's getting annoying now." Hermione said and she gave Sirius some more pillows to

stuff down his pants. Sirius slowly started to get a lot bigger and bigger. They wrapped bubble wrap around his legs,

making them five times the size of what they should be. They gave him an xxxl size shirt to put on and filled that up

with many pillows and much bubble wrap. After another hour of touch ups, Sirius was ready to make a catastrophe.

Looking at Sirius could make the whole universe feel skinny, and he now, barely fat into the shirt and pants.

"...Wow...this is good. Really good." Said hermione and she took out the camera. Harry smiled slyly and moved slowly to Sirius.

"it is warm in here...Harry, what are you ARGH!" Sirius yelled as Harry pushed him and made him fall over.

The funny thing was that Sirius was so fat and weighed so much now, and was so round that he couldn't get up and

as much as he tried to push himself up, he found that he couldn't do it without a lot of help.


End file.
